2. Change jobs while pregnant thereby ensuring that you miss out on the lovely enhanced maternity package you were entitled to at the old job whilst ensuring you are no longer entitled to Statutory Maternity Pay from your new job coz you haven’t been there long enough.
3. Have your waters break and be sent home when you go to hospital because you’re not far enough along yet and ‘coping really well’. Do not question how being on all fours in the waiting room, unable to speak, is classed as ‘coping really well’.
4. Have an unplanned home birth a couple of hours later on your newly laid hallway floor with your terrified partner delivering the baby. Yeah, you heard me. Awesome fun.
5. Give birth with only two paracetamol tablets for pain relief. Yeah, paracetamol – that drug that barely touches a headache. That’s the one. And only two tablets mind you. You don’t want to take the edge off or anything. Might ruin what we’re going for here.
6. Have a baby that doesn’t sleep. Not even a little bit. Certainly not for more than 45 minutes at a time. If the above 5 points haven’t done it for you yet, this is a guaranteed winner.
7. Repeat point 6 for at least 2 months. Go mad.
8. Fly to Australia with 3 month old. Oh go on, you know you want to. A 24 hour flight each way has never sounded so good.
9. Look around lovely, beautiful house you only finished renovating and moved into a year and a half ago. Mumble the words ‘catchment area’ and ‘playroom’.
10. Sell beautiful home without having exchanged on the wreck of a place you are now buying in a good catchment area, with a playroom, that will need months if not years of work to make nice (did someone say ‘extension’?!)
And one more for luck in case you’re still feeling all zen despite following the above steps:
11. Move back in with the parents for an indeterminate period with a new baby in tow!
You can’t fail. I promise you.